LOOKIE:, — 2005-02-16 — 20040526q — 20040525111823L — 20040519n — 20040512v 

20040512v

…still crying…

Ya know what's really fucked up about being unemployed and (practically) homeless?  I'll tell you:  People act like you brought it on yourself, or they act like you're lazy or that you have so much free time you can just do whatever it is they have in mind for you to do.

No one cares if you're happy.  That's a big one.  Not that anyone truly cares anyway, everyone is so self-centered these days; a noted lack of empathy across the board.  But why is the joke on me?  Why do I care about other people, why do I only want to help.  And, as long as I'm on the subject, why doesn't wanting to help and make people happy help take care of me?  Why is it O.K. for people to disrespect me unless or until they need computer help or whatever it is they get from me?  Why is it O.K. for companies to set up contracts that basicly screw perfectly good, competant workers.

I really am trying not to be bitter, but for the past two days, I've been basicly working in a modified charity mode.  On one hand, performing my craft for certain people may help me to get customers, on the other hand, I can't just let my old friends suffer (today I helped Charlie and, because nothing much was acomplished, I only really asked him for bus money)…

I honestly try to do the right thing.  I try to help people.  Today, after helping Charlie, I didn't get off my second bus at the normal bus stop (La Brea & Wilshire), but, instead, got off at the next stop, Fairfax… I passed the LA County Museum of Art and the La Brea Tar Pits and a few other cool things.  The objective was to go to Kinko's and cut business cards.  I now have 24 business cards.  The printer, in case you're wondering, didn't like the thick paper that much and cocked up the top two cards on each page.

So I'm told I'm a genius yesterday.  Too bad it doesn't have any real practical value.  I've been called a 'genius' for most of my life.  Yet…

Even writing this, I can feel myself crying.  It's the kind of crying a person does where it isn't obvious, but they're quiet.  And in my case, that's just not natural… at all.  fuck fuck and fuck again.

Last Sunday night I found out that my old friend, the Ferrarigirl, had been in a motorcycle accident which (her word) "pulverized" her leg.  That happened to me, nearly 9 years ago, only I had a break, a fracture, it wasn't a huge break, it was just a pain to set and I needed surgery.  Somehow, I managed to keep my customers and even do some consulting; some of them came and got me, others, Robbie drove me to their offices.  My problem then, I think, was that I didn't know how vulnerable everything was; I didn't know how lucky I was.  When I moved to Anaheim (there was a compromise involved, I'd tell ya, but it just sucks, I was trying to do the right thing, SO STUPID!)...  I was away from Robbie and only one 'customer' came to get me to work for him.  MMCS (we'll call her) had said she'd help, she'd drive me to customers, etc.  nope.

My business died a slow and cruel death.

I don't remember much after that.  I remember trying to find a temp job in Anaheim.  I remember meeting MMCS after dark at a bus stop at Harbor… I remember (very well) being abducted by Fullerton cops in the middle of the night because I had a knife on my belt (it was covered up by my shirt while I was at a broken person ATM and they considered that a concealed weapon).

But why don't people help each-other anymore?  What happened to communities and families?  Why do the people who (apparently) think I'm a genius, or that I'm "so helpful" always, or nearly always attack my morale, serve the greatest blows to my ego?
why?

What did I do wrong, and how can I fix it?
Maybe tomorrow I'll go visit Robbie, probably, because that's the schedule and he has my turkey burgers…

My girlfriend wants me to post fliers (flyers?) at UCLA, she thinks the students there have more money than typical starving students because it is expensive to go there.  I have checked the cost.  It is much cheaper than Whittier College was 10 years ago.  But I don't know.  It isn't like UCLA is around the corner from me.  If a student there called me and wanted me to fix their computer, could I really expect professional wages from them?  If I was there for a hour, could I charge them $35.  And is 2 hours $70… Would they even call me?  Should I do some kind of student discount?  It's weird that my "talents" and "abilities" are so academic.  Give me an essay or a school project and I can correct it, give me a subject and a book and I can tutor it.  Give me a computer and I can fix or program it.  Give me a list, I'll give you a database.  I didn't sign on for this.  I don't want to be homeless.  What did I do to deserve this total lack of regard, lack of respect.

I'm treated like some kind of slave/house wife.  Everything I can think of to do to fix the situation (sending out a ton of resumés, etc.) doesn't seem to acomplish anything.  I may as well have been standing on my head in the car port for the past several months.  Meanwhile, my project manager from O.C., though he talks like he cares (about my employment situation) never responds in emails about it.  that is, I say: "I need a job, badly, help; maybe I need to do something to my resume?" and he doesn't say a PEEP about it.  It's FUCKED UP!  I made myself available for those guys.  It helped me meet my girlfriend who is the sweetest person I have ever met, and that's awesome, but I made myself available to them and they stabbed me in the head!  They tried to not pay me (at all!) for November.  I had to practically blackmail / threaten them to "settle" for a week's worth of money.  What the hell is going on in the world?!??

If you're reading this, I probably love you very much, considering I only think 3 people (besides me) read it (you know who you are) … I need help guys!  Happy thoughts… Happy thoughts.  Something.

My girlfriend tonight asked me if prolonged periods of unemployment are 'normal' for me.  or at least I think she asked me that.  I don't really know.  And I hesitate to ask Robbie.  I just want to help.  Maybe it's a crime to try to make people happy.  Maybe I'm too much of a know-it-all (or not enough of one)  *SIGHS*

Playing with the acronym database…