LOOKIE:, — 2005-02-16 — 20040526q — 20040525111823L — 20040519n — 20040512v 

20040525111823L

moral mistake

     When my girlfriend and I left from Dr. Jeff's yesterday, we had both been involved in what I thought, at the time, was a not-so-mysterious clean-up effort on behalf of the Doctor.  Of course, at the time, I thought it was part of his normal thing; that is, whenever he is around, he gets serious and 'tough' on us about keeping the place up.  Later, I thought I understood that his sister and her kids were going to come over (to use the pool) and then I was thinking that was maybe why the whole clean-up thing.
     But today, as I returned from dropping a letter (more on that later) into the blue mailbox on the Southeast corner of 3^rd and La Brea, I happened to read the bulletins posted above the mailboxes (here in the apartment complex) and remembered that there was some kind of safety inspection and that Ira (I think that's his name) was embarrassed and was talking about how legal it is to inspect (on such short notice)… I didn't know, you see, that he was embarrassed and so I jokingly asked him if he was concerned that they'd find his blow-up dolls full of drugs.
     Yesterday, after we left here, my girlfriend and I went to Robbie's.  She didn't stay, she just dropped me off and Robbie saw us sitting in the car and came over to say 'hi.'  Later, he even gave me a couple CDs for her.  She said she was going to call but she did not call.  I thought she did.  I thought because Robbie and I immediately went to the market to get stuff to make turkey tacos (by the way 'taco' is octopus in Japanese, seriously), maybe she had called while we were out.  Nope.  I called her anyway and she told me that K (the woman she rents from) had apparently complained because she paid a plumber to fix a clogged shower drain.  I inquired why she (K) didn't just plunge it or use like a sewer snake.  MS (girlfriend) said she thinks K did try to plunge it.  I still didn't understand how that would be possible.  Here, at Dr. Jeff's, she (girlfriend) always ALWAYS cleans the drain cover thingy and so I didn't see a clogged drain as even remotely possible.  But a $60 plumber bill?   And apparently the plumber told K that there was nothing she could do, and to just call again the next time!!!!  What the hell?  What about liquid plumbr?  What about sewer snake?  What about just vigorously plunging the thing with hot water?  Anyway, so Robbie suggested a hair trap (a drain cover) which I would have expected K to have already.  Robbie said that he doesn't have one and I was really surprised and went into his bathroom to check and sure enough, a gaping hole where most of the time you'd see some kind of hole-filled metal cover.  Anyway, I dragged (drug?) Robbie to Rite-Aid (he said it was where to look) where we found a "Handi-Trap" rubber drain cover.  It was $2.29 (just barely out of my price range, assuming, of course, I didn't want to walk home) but I tried to remember the name of the thing and the price and we returned to Robbie's.  I called my girlfriend and told her the name and the price she asked me to email it to her.  I did, shortly before I left Robbie's.
     Also before I left Robbie's, and I don't really remember the order of things here, so sorry, he and I went to his Q-Bargain store (like 99 cents only stores) where I found a glass covered picture of a sunflower (MS loves sunflowers) and I couldn't resist getting it.  Robbie gave me some change for the bus (from his change, he bought chips).
     Last night I neither slept well, nor, much.  I've been really fucked up since Friday, I guess, because… I'll get to that later.  Anyway, I'm reading "Lake of the Long Sun" by Gene Wolfe (the previous entry has an Amazon.com link if you care) and I would read until I couldn't read (from tiredness) then I'd turn off the light then I couldn't sleep (because of the thing I'll tell you about next) and then I'd turn back on the light and read until it started over again.  This morning was cold.  Penguin-ass cold.  Thanks to JoEl for that image.
     This morning, less than a hour ago, I write a letter to my girlfriend and mailed it.  On the way back, as you read above, I saw the letter saying about apartment inspections, you'll remember.  Anyway, on Friday, during sex (of all!) she learned that after an exgirlfriend, H and I had decided not to be in a relationship anymore, we had continued having sex for a little while.  Somehow I misled her into thinking that I wouldn't EVER have sex with someone I didn't want a relationship with.  But, and not to split hairs here, but, I was sincere that I wouldn't have sex with someone before I wanted to have a relationship with them, before I thought I really liked them, to say nothing of loving them.  There are issues here, however that I never expected in my life.  First of all, my relationship with time is really fucked.  Second of all, after I made the mistake of being with someone and having sex with them, assume here that we've broken up, the damage is done.  I've already made the moral mistake of having sex with someone who wasn't permanent.  The damage was done.  I'm already pissed off at myself for making the mistake and for wanting something to work out more than sitting back and knowing it was going to work out.  That doesn't make sense.  Sorry.  But the thing is, the damage is done already so there are no inate rules keeping me from continuing the mistake (in so far as being friends or having sex or whatever else that happened within the confines of the 'relationship') unless, of course, the other person (or myself) will mis-interpret the thing and subsequently be hurt.  Because I'm really not allowed to hurt people, especially not like that.  Also, and this is the damning factor, I'm supposed to make people happy.  All she had to do was make it clear that it'd make her happy for us to continue to have sex and, as well, make it clear that she knows I'm not 'hers' as it were, that is— she won't be hurt somehow, and it is possible for me to continue to sleep with her.   But it wouldn't be something I'd be particularly interested in, at least not to the point of trying to convince her.  That said, when I told my mom (I was freaking out, willing to try anything to understand what I had done to my relationship with MS and I called her), she didn't even understand what I did that was so serious or why I was so upset.  I was upset because MS was upset and she said things that suggested she was sorry we met.
     Robbie says "that sounds like she's trying to find something to fight about," but she doesn't (usually?) do that.  If anything, her honesty takes the other path, too honest.
     Thursday plans:  Robbie's, hopefully Noon, but at least before 1PM.
     Today, I was hoping to go to the library (a nice walk, up La Brea to Sunset and back) but it looks like Dr. Jeff and I are going to go back to his office on Melrose "and finish up the job there" (maybe I can get him to take me to the library?)…
     Friday:  I'm going to take an early bus and go to Orange County and go to a Barnes and Noble bookstore in Huntington Beach as usual.  I mentioned this (and the Thursday plan) in the letter I mailed earlier.  I only hope she forgives me for "being like other guys" and "not thinking sex is sacred" even though I "talk like sex is sacred."
Anyway, diaryland wouldn't let me add an entry, so I typed this up in notepad and then re-edited it with the DOS editor (yeah, I'm a geek, but you knew that before, didn't you DIDN'T YOU!)… bye now.